One of the topics during Open Space last week was on “rules of engagement” when conflict is present. It’s a brave conversation. And I’d say just-right timing.
I loved the evolution of nuance that came from those participating. And I loved the personal insight that I found for structure.
- Instead of calling it a “conflict conversation,” how about a “clarity conversation?” I have some conflict avoidance in me, but, it’s also true that I have some fierceness in me about giving it an inviting narrative. All humans seek clarity. When tension and conflict arise, which they do, why not normalize it to bring deliberateness and energy to clarity.
- I like creating structure for such things. So, I schemed out a few questions to help.
– What is happening? — Description
– Why does it matter (or, why do you think it matters)? — Meaning
– How does it feel? — Emotional Intelligence
– Are there two suggestions you can make that would improve or evolve this circumstance? — Responsibility / Contribution
Imagine an agreement in which both people get 10 uninterrupted minutes to speak to these questions, and then, switch roles. Imagine bringing a witness, a third person, to hear and support the sharing. - I checked on Chat GPT for suggested “rules of engagement.” See below — pretty good.
Stay in Relationship
Conflict signals that something meaningful is at stake.
Choose connection over winning.
Act in ways that preserve dignity, trust, and the possibility of repair.
Guiding question:
How do I want us to be on the other side of this?
Slow It Down
Intensity increases speed; wisdom requires space.
Pause. Breathe. Allow silence.
Slowing the moment creates room for choice rather than reaction.
Practice:
Take one full breath before responding.
Speak from the “I”
Name your experience without assigning blame or motive.
Personal truth invites listening; accusation invites defense.
Try:
“I’m noticing…,” “I’m feeling…,” “What matters to me right now is….”
Get Curious Before Persuasive
Assume there is something you do not yet understand.
Listen for values, fears, and hopes beneath the words.
Curiosity keeps the conversation open.
Helpful question:
Can you help me understand what’s most important to you here?
Remember the Purpose
Conflict carries energy.
Direct it toward learning, clarity, or shared purpose rather than harm.
Not all conflicts resolve quickly; all can be engaged wisely.
Return often to:
Why are we here together?
I loved the summary in the conversation and in the learning. Conflict handled well can deepen trust, can add connection.
Brave.
