Category: General Learning

One of the topics during Open Space last week was on “rules of engagement” when conflict is present. It’s a brave conversation. And I’d say just-right timing.

I loved the evolution of nuance that came from those participating. And I loved the personal insight that I found for structure.

1. Instead of calling it a “conflict conversation,” how about a “clarity conversation?” I have some conflict avoidance in me, but, it’s also true that I have some fierceness in me about giving it an inviting narrative. All humans seek clarity. When tension and conflict arise, which they do, why not normalize it to bring deliberateness and energy to clarity.
   
2. I like creating structure for such things. So, I schemed out a few questions to help.
   – What is happening? — Description
   – Why does it matter (or, why do you think it matters)? — Meaning
   – How does it feel? — Emotional Intelligence
   – Are there two suggestions you can make that would improve or evolve this circumstance? — Responsibility / Contribution
   Imagine an agreement in which both people get 10 uninterrupted minutes to speak to these questions, and then, switch roles. Imagine bringing a witness, a third person, to hear and support the sharing.
   
3. I checked on Chat GPT for suggested “rules of engagement.” See below — pretty good.

Stay in Relationship
Conflict signals that something meaningful is at stake.
Choose connection over winning.
Act in ways that preserve dignity, trust, and the possibility of repair.

Guiding question:
How do I want us to be on the other side of this?

Slow It Down
Intensity increases speed; wisdom requires space.
Pause. Breathe. Allow silence.
Slowing the moment creates room for choice rather than reaction.

Practice:
Take one full breath before responding.

Speak from the “I”
Name your experience without assigning blame or motive.
Personal truth invites listening; accusation invites defense.

Try:
“I’m noticing…,” “I’m feeling…,” “What matters to me right now is….”

Get Curious Before Persuasive
Assume there is something you do not yet understand.
Listen for values, fears, and hopes beneath the words.
Curiosity keeps the conversation open.

Helpful question:
Can you help me understand what’s most important to you here?

Remember the Purpose
Conflict carries energy.
Direct it toward learning, clarity, or shared purpose rather than harm.
Not all conflicts resolve quickly; all can be engaged wisely.

Return often to:
Why are we here together?

I loved the summary in the conversation and in the learning. Conflict handled well can deepen trust, can add connection.

Brave.

It’s Monday Morning.

Dana and I climb out a bed at 6:15. The air is a bit cold — that overnight opened window did indeed make it crisp.

We get dressed. By 6:45 ish, we’ve both made our way to the kitchen. Dana to her standing desk — she’s working from home today. She’ll start with tea, held and sipped between keyboard strokes. Me to the kitchen bar with my laptop. And some hot coffee. We will both have full days.

We are both appreciating the team-building retreat that we completed last Thursday – Saturday. It went well. It made connections. It lifted curiosity and learning together. It created community and friendship from added lanes — connection always creates added possibility. All of that sets the ground to grow healthy patterns together. The Circle above included collages made by participants — of people who care about us in our work and are at our backs (spouses, friends, grandparents, historical figures, sisters, other beloveds).

For me, Monday morning, I’m skimming email that I haven’t looked at since Friday. Oof!.

• Minnesota — more stories of what is and what is not. Invocations of community and friendship. Longings. Yearnings. Freedoms. Violences. It’s gut-punches.
• My friend Katharine’s new poetry book, Skyborne Insight, Homemade Love — I’m excited for her.
• Some review of the event Dana and I hosted last week. I’ll gather a few harvest materials later today.
• Todos that I put on the back burner and will get to today. Some of it simple task. Some of it conceptual attention. It piles up and I do well to remember that slow and steady is helpful and kind.
• Some writing — there’s two workshops I want to hone in on and add to by B & B Sessions.
• And, and.

I feel myself a bit slow. In the all of it. The utter delights. And the uber straining challenges. It’s a lot. For all of us in our different versions of what is real and in front of us.

Slow, yet steady.
Here it is, Monday Morning.

I kinda like what my local coffee shop is promoting.

Wanderful.
Inner explorer.

Well, chai day also.
My beverage of choice at this local gathering spot is Caramel Chai with an expresso shot.

Wanderful, also, is what I’ve named my Wander School’s longer online adventure and excurion.

Where we dwell for a half day together. In questions. In light structure. In kindness. In story. In emergence. In Life… lifing us.

It’s good to sync.

The next Wanderful Excursion is February 26th. Sign on here. You’ll find a good and caring pod of humans.

I listened to some friends’ podcast recently. A couple of thoughtful and wise gentlemen. They talked meaning. Desire for belonging. Human goodness. Deception. Fuckery. Sweetness. In such good, thoughtful ways — in the end, both are teachers, and both dig bikes that you peddle.

Their context aligns with one of the main contexts that has most influence my life, discovered and aligned in the early 1990s. Thx Meg. She was the one talking living systems and daring to presuppose that organizations too are living systems, that, through their connections at scale, get to experience emergent everything — kindness, wisdom, commitment, curiosity, determination, perseverance — and all the rest.

Yeah. Rants on rants. Affirmations on affirmations. So, here’s what I offered / affirmed to these lovely men.

Yes, people seek meaning. Which is to say, people seek connection and authenticity. They Always have (except for a few absolute shits).

We create the ground for connection through conversations, bikes, walks, pubs, potlucks, fire pits.

Sometimes the connection is casual. Sometimes very deliberate with specific questions to ask and dreams to dream. For now and for the longer arc.

From that grows the next steps. Emergent relations. Emergent insights. Emergent ahas and plans.

It’s the natural way of living systems applied to these over-cognitized and uber mechanized brains and bodies.

Tuesday clarity. Thx for reading / listening. A pebble in the pond.