Category: General Learning

If you’ve been reading for a while, you know that I’m a person that seeks purpose. It comes out in questions that I ask often. “What are we really doing here?” “What’s possible?” “What’s sincere?” I like those kind of conversations, be it in client facilitations (got to invite / steer a bunch of those questions last week with a corporate team), or be it in Becoming & Belonging Sessions that I host (weekly ish, and so much about the deeper waters together).

In a B & B call this week, I named a few anchoring points about “the work” and what I think we are “really doing” in those calls / practices.

• creating and supporting a journey of awakeness
• creating and supporting a journey of awareness
• creating and supporting a journey of activation
• creating and supporting a journey of embodiment (thx for this Elif)

We develop familiarity with each other, which is rather nourishing and satisfying.

We also develop familiarity with a field of learning and presence, with whomever shows up.

It’s this last point that sticks with me. So many people are seeking this. I’m glad to be part of a field that helps to create restored familiarity with getting to the work that is under the work.

Awakeness.
Awareness.
Activation.
Embodiment.

It’s great to run programs. To facilitate groups. To teach. To build container. To create some learning. To clarify some next steps. I’ve been able to do quite a bit of this in my life, working with so many good folk.

At the heart of all of that is relationship. “Relational Leadership” is my preferred naming for programs. Or, when needed it is the subversive messaging that I hold to.

When we have deliberate connection together, relationship from many lanes, then the good stuff tends to come out. The new ideas. The joy. The ahas. New collaborations. It means paying extra attention to what happens at the beginning and at the end of programs. Start with relationship, to create an appreciation together — this is often blending personal with professional. And then send them home with what feels like more.

In relationship, the group (team, system, unit, family, friends…) finds what they need in a way that I could never script with such depth and accuracy.

Yet, I have a couple of principles that I often emphasize.
– If you want a system to be healthy, connect it to more of itself (Humberto Maturana).
– Who we are together is different and more than who we are alone (Margaret Wheatley).

My buddy Chris Corrigan spoke / wrote it recently in this succinct paragraph below ( read his full post on his site):

While meetings are important, my experience is that the most significant results of most meetings is the relational field that is built by being together. Many clients expect high stakes meetings to produce miracles – fundamental transformations in insight or decision making that changes everything. In my experience, a single meeting is inadequate for this. However, dialogic containers can be powerful places where people learn new things, change views, form new relationships, or discover new insights. That is their promise.

So, I love the claiming the work under the work. Connection and relationship coheres it. Connection and relationship reveals it. The proof is in the pudding. Sometimes it seems like the fuzzy, soft stuff. Sure. But actually, it’s the foundation that gives us ability to grow impressively.

On we go, flow. We do a bunch of this in B&B — jump in for a session.

One of the topics during Open Space last week was on “rules of engagement” when conflict is present. It’s a brave conversation. And I’d say just-right timing.

I loved the evolution of nuance that came from those participating. And I loved the personal insight that I found for structure.

1. Instead of calling it a “conflict conversation,” how about a “clarity conversation?” I have some conflict avoidance in me, but, it’s also true that I have some fierceness in me about giving it an inviting narrative. All humans seek clarity. When tension and conflict arise, which they do, why not normalize it to bring deliberateness and energy to clarity.
   
2. I like creating structure for such things. So, I schemed out a few questions to help.
   – What is happening? — Description
   – Why does it matter (or, why do you think it matters)? — Meaning
   – How does it feel? — Emotional Intelligence
   – Are there two suggestions you can make that would improve or evolve this circumstance? — Responsibility / Contribution
   Imagine an agreement in which both people get 10 uninterrupted minutes to speak to these questions, and then, switch roles. Imagine bringing a witness, a third person, to hear and support the sharing.
   
3. I checked on Chat GPT for suggested “rules of engagement.” See below — pretty good.

Stay in Relationship
Conflict signals that something meaningful is at stake.
Choose connection over winning.
Act in ways that preserve dignity, trust, and the possibility of repair.

Guiding question:
How do I want us to be on the other side of this?

Slow It Down
Intensity increases speed; wisdom requires space.
Pause. Breathe. Allow silence.
Slowing the moment creates room for choice rather than reaction.

Practice:
Take one full breath before responding.

Speak from the “I”
Name your experience without assigning blame or motive.
Personal truth invites listening; accusation invites defense.

Try:
“I’m noticing…,” “I’m feeling…,” “What matters to me right now is….”

Get Curious Before Persuasive
Assume there is something you do not yet understand.
Listen for values, fears, and hopes beneath the words.
Curiosity keeps the conversation open.

Helpful question:
Can you help me understand what’s most important to you here?

Remember the Purpose
Conflict carries energy.
Direct it toward learning, clarity, or shared purpose rather than harm.
Not all conflicts resolve quickly; all can be engaged wisely.

Return often to:
Why are we here together?

I loved the summary in the conversation and in the learning. Conflict handled well can deepen trust, can add connection.

Brave.

It’s Monday Morning.

Dana and I climb out a bed at 6:15. The air is a bit cold — that overnight opened window did indeed make it crisp.

We get dressed. By 6:45 ish, we’ve both made our way to the kitchen. Dana to her standing desk — she’s working from home today. She’ll start with tea, held and sipped between keyboard strokes. Me to the kitchen bar with my laptop. And some hot coffee. We will both have full days.

We are both appreciating the team-building retreat that we completed last Thursday – Saturday. It went well. It made connections. It lifted curiosity and learning together. It created community and friendship from added lanes — connection always creates added possibility. All of that sets the ground to grow healthy patterns together. The Circle above included collages made by participants — of people who care about us in our work and are at our backs (spouses, friends, grandparents, historical figures, sisters, other beloveds).

For me, Monday morning, I’m skimming email that I haven’t looked at since Friday. Oof!.

• Minnesota — more stories of what is and what is not. Invocations of community and friendship. Longings. Yearnings. Freedoms. Violences. It’s gut-punches.
• My friend Katharine’s new poetry book, Skyborne Insight, Homemade Love — I’m excited for her.
• Some review of the event Dana and I hosted last week. I’ll gather a few harvest materials later today.
• Todos that I put on the back burner and will get to today. Some of it simple task. Some of it conceptual attention. It piles up and I do well to remember that slow and steady is helpful and kind.
• Some writing — there’s two workshops I want to hone in on and add to by B & B Sessions.
• And, and.

I feel myself a bit slow. In the all of it. The utter delights. And the uber straining challenges. It’s a lot. For all of us in our different versions of what is real and in front of us.

Slow, yet steady.
Here it is, Monday Morning.